Tuesday, September 22, 2009

This is my Autumn. This is my introduction to winter.

"I just wanted to feel normal, important, warm, I wanted to feel cozy when it rains, instead of depressed by a storm. I wanted a hand to hold when my heart skips, maybe worth a tear in your eye, I just wanted one person to love me so I wouldn't be so afraid to die. So I when I'd sleep I'd rest, not a psyche to fuck, but a comfort to kill anxiety, so I could swallow without it getting stuck. I just wanted to breathe so I decided to pretend to be another reason you'll learn to never trust...lord forgive me."

Ink by Cubbiebear

It's 2 AM and I'm a bit restless. I've got a lot on my mind as of late. Some of the things running through my mind have probably been piling up over the past few months and possibly the events of the past few days have brought them front and center. In any case I was feeling a bit introspective and dug out my Journal from 2001. While it started in the dead of Winter the journal was about my Spring, a time for rebirth. I'm not sure if that was the case as I often find myself in the same trappings of old.

I began reading with he hope that I'd find some wisdom buried deep within the quad-ruled pages of the marble notebook (yes, only an engineer would use a quad-ruled notebook for a journal). 2001 was a pretty tumultuous year in my life, I was single after breaking up with my girlfriend of several years, starting a research project for my masters degree, and trying to figure out If I was cut out for a Ph.D. I was also not racing (running or cycling) for the first time in my adult/adolescent life. The combination of all of these factors lead to a period of soul-searching that provided no real answers, however the journey was still worthwhile.

The actions that were chronicled during that year were mostly fueled by alcohol and lead me down some roads I never should have traveled, but at the same time some very good memories were captured in the pages of my journal. Looking back through the pages of booze addled ramblings sometimes I am shocked by what I had written, as the clarity that I peered into my soul was a bit too much. I'm also a bit taken back at how dark and depressed I was at times. Here is an entry from 5/27/01:

I'm kinda fed up with the way things are. I'm pretty unhappy with the way life is unfolding. I feel shallow. There is so much to life & i just don't think I appreciate it . I'm just frustrated. I just realized that I don't like people that sit around a question everything. They lead me to question myself, and I don't like what I see.

While a bit spooky I think it was a very honest entry. The short sentences were blurted out via pen as quickly as possible. in some respects this is a really uplifting entry. I shows a willingness to let my guard down to myself. That may sound silly, but ask yourself when was the last time you really took a deep look at yourself.

I'm also a bit surprised to find entries expressing rage, lust, jealousy, and genuine love. While these are common human emotions, they are not ones that I express on a regular basis. People describe me as laid back, and I often wonder if that is a polite way to say "dead inside".

A recurring theme is my willingness to put others needs before mine. I think this is a virtue, but only to an extent. Eventually you have to be selfish, or else you end up at the back of the line, alone. That said, you have to pick your selfish moments wisely as they can have devastating repercussions. I hope that 8 years on I have the wisdom to pick my battles more wisely than back then; for actions cannot be undone, and regret is a bitter pill.

It is now almost 5 AM, and I'm pretty worn out. While writing the above I've been trying to take stock of where my life is right now and where I'm heading. I'm in a pretty good position, certainly better off then I was in 2001.

As an aside, while writing this I received an e-mail to join the "Les's Lounge Alumni" group on facebook. Apparently an old friend was suffering a bit of insomnia too and decided to create the group as a tribute the the local bar we called home several nights a week (Thursdays and Sundays to be specific). My journal is peppered with entries related to Les's, and I can say that many of the best and worst situations I found myself in that year involved the Lounge in some way. My nights at the lounge led me to broken bones and broken hearts, but my luck never really ran out.

And in case any of you are worried about my mental state here is a picture of cute little bunnies, This is what I feel like on most days. Just had some things running through my mind as of late.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

this photo is questionable at best.

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