Wednesday, January 20, 2010


While perusing the blog of the one and only Bike Snob NYC I came across this lovely tattoo.

That's right folks, this girl has a handlebar themed tramp stamp. I've always been under the impression that most lower back tattoos were purely for decorative purposes, and generally increased one's chances of acquiring a mate and a STD. Upon consulting wikipedia I see that I'm mostly correct, "Generally, a lower back tattoo will be designed to emphasize the shape and curvature of the figure". If were purely about accentuating curves she certainly would have gone with "Mustache bar".

In the case of the above handlebar tattoo, I feel that the owner is trying to say something more. Aside from the obvious suggestiveness that one should grab on for a wild ride, her choice of bars gives us some hints as to what type of mate she is looking to attract.

The bars pictured on her back are clearly those found on a mid 1980's MTB which harkens back to the birth of off road riding. The extra crossbar and protruding nub of a "moto-style" brake lever (far left) are dead giveaways. Clearly she is looking to find someone with experience and a willingness to forge into unknown territory. Preferably someone with mustache like Tom Ritchey; one of the godfathers of the MTB scene.

If any of you are thinking of getting a handlebar tramp stamp lets take a look at some of the various styles of bars and what a tattoo of them would say.

Standard road drop bars:
These are the all purpose bars that most of us have come to love. They offer several hand positions, and thus imply the need for a versatile partner. Wether cruising along on the tops, on the hoods hammering up a climb, or deep in the drops for the final sprint, the owner of a tat of these bars is saying "I want a guy (or girl?) who knows what to do and when to do it".

"Wing" carbon drop bars:
While similar in appearance to the standard drop bar these are differentiated by the "flat tops" and carbon construction. Despite costing about 4x more they offer no real benefits other than "cool factor". A girl sporting these bars is looking for a guy that has deep pockets and an affinity for form over function. She'll likely have other "Upgrades", and is willing to accept the fact that he'll probably stop mid "ride" for a latte and continually bitch about the fact that no matter how much he spends on equipment he's still not getting an better. Trust me, she's well aware that you're not getting any better.

Track Drops:
While it may appear similar to it's aforementioned cousins these bars are strictly business. You may notice that the bars are devoid of brakes/shifters, and they are only wrapped halfway up. Having a set of these tattooed on the small of your back screams, "put your hands here and go all out to the finish". The owner of such a tattoo is looking for someone who treats sex like a professional sport (without the need for special shoes).

Wide Riser bars:
These bars are all the rage on mountain bikes and come with the promise of a more upright position and enhanced control due to the increased width. Proper application as a tattoo requires a fairly large canvas, so these are probably popular with the plus sized ladies. Similar to a MTB these ladies are often not the swiftest or flashiest, but they generally know how to have a good time. A girl with this tattoo knows that every now and again you'll need the extra leverage the these bars offer, but for the most part you are best off going with the flow and enjoying the ride; just like riding a MTB.

Aero bars:
At first look you might that these bars scream one thing, "speed". Of course if you've ever ridden a TT using these bars you know that the word really is "suffering". A girl rocking a tattoo of these is looking for a guy that is capable of enduring intense efforts for extended periods of time. The arm rests and extensions are just waiting to be used by a guy who's arms gave out long ago but is willing to soldier on resting on his elbows/forearms.
This tattoo could also mean that the owner is a masochist looking for a triathlete to inflict bodily harm on anyone in the general vicinity (i.e., her). We all know that a triathlete riding aero bars is a disaster waiting to happen.

Skinny "hipster bars":
You may have seen these bars on fixed gear bikes that have become one of the biggest fads to sweep major metro areas. While originally employed so that one could squeeze into tight spaces in traffic, when employed as a stamp it pretty much invites one into a not so tight space. This tattoo screams "Come on ride me, it's the latest trend, everyone is doing it (err me)". All the while the owner of the tattoo knows that she'll discarded to the corner of your apartment (like your fixie) while you sit around being mopey and emo.

As seen on the local listserv...

What follows is a posting and the response to a fairly innocuous question posted on the local bike racing mailing list.

On Jan 20, 11:08†am, [name removed] wrote:
> Hi.† Can anyone recommend an internist or dermatologist? †I have been
shopping for a new internist but I have an immediate need for saddle sores.†
I live in Bethesda so something close to the area would be ideal.† Thanks.

contact [name of Doctor]. he no longer rides but he enjoys that type of stuff.

Perhaps it is in my head, but I got a good chuckle. This Doctor is a pretty sick puppy if he enjoys looking at festering pustules located on some dude's taint, AKA sandbar, AKA tween etc.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Upon returning from the 'stretch last weekend I found Laura, Stacy, and Stacy's mom playing Scattergories. They attempted to get me to play, but I was not really feeling up to it. Conversation went like this:

Stacy: Wanna play Scattergories?
Laura: Yeah, I'll be fun.
Laura: We just finished "Things you find at the beach".
Me: Dead hookers?
Stacy: Silly, It has to start with an "a".
Me: A dead hooker.

The end.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'll eat up all your crackers and you licorice...

Another Sunday at the Backstretch and yet again it never fails to disappoint. As Robin the bartender said, "you never know what to expect here." Tonight there were several people that seemed to be interested in dropping lascivious tracks on the juke. We had it all, ...well MC Paul Barman was noticeably absent, but several tracks from Barry White, James Brown, and Digital Underground were all played. I'm hoping that most of my readership will recognize the title of this post as a line from The Humpty Dance, by Digital Underground. Incidentally, Tupac (AKA 2Pac, AKA that west coast rapper that got caught up in the east coast/west coast beef that also claimed the life of the notorious Biggy Smalls) was a member of of D.U. at the time that this song was released, and can be seen singing the chorus in the video. All of this music was accompanied by the lack of rhythm and horrible dancing that one could only expect in Baltimore's whitest neighborhood.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Banner year for sure...

Its about 2 AM on the east coast and I've already smoked a cigarette and been kicked in the nuts. This is gonna be a banner year for sure. Happy new year and more later.